Wondering how big the Marlins' home-run feature really is? Thanks to a webcam tracking the progress of the construction, we now have a sense of perspective.
Jan 26, 2012 - So the new Marlins Ballpark has a webcam that lets you view the progress on the new park. Looks like a neat place. My favorite part is the plan to have three bases, a home plate, and foul lines. That's just good for a baseball game. And as much as we like to make fun of the new Marlins park, there will be baseball played there.
The Astrodome was a pretty miserable place to play baseball, as were most multi-purpose stadiums. It was still baseball. I grew up watching games at Candlestick Park, which was Hades' chamber pot. When I think of all the baseball-related memories I have, though, I never once think of how dilapidated the park was. It's not a big deal.
But a nice park can certainly enhance an experience, and the Marlins' new park sure seems like it has a lot going for it. Nice sight lines, a retractable roof, intimate seating …
And, say, is that some sort of structure beyond left-center field? Curious.
Yes, it's real. And it's … real. Huge. And not make-believe. Real. Now we have a sense of scale that we didn't have before. Here are some things in proportion to the Marlins' new home-run feature.
Gigantic palm trees
Oh, this could be an angle that makes the scale deceiving, or maybe these are the famous dwarf palms we've heard so much about, but it looks like those are gigantic palm trees that are just the right size for picking the teeth that are surely contained within the maw of that home-run structure.
Huge bulldozers
Bulldozers are large machines. So if you were to make a pyramid that was, say, nine bulldozers tall, people would walk by and shriek something like, "Good Lord, that is a tall structure made from bulldozers, which are large machines!" The Marlins' home-run structure is taller than a pyramid of bulldozers.
An enormous cherry-picker
When you want to reach the top of something that extends a few stories high, you bring in the ol' cherry-picker. But it looks like from this angle that a cherry-picker wouldn't be enough to get to the top of the home-run structure. The cherry-picker would have to open up and reveal another cherry-picker, like the mouth from the alien in Aliens.
You might think that this could be a problem if there's something that needs attention at the top of the structure. How will they get there if a cherry-picker can't reach? Don't worry, though: There's a set of stairs and an escalator that leads to the top. How else would you get to the IKEA that's up there?
A human being who is paralyzed in fear
Well, he might be pinned by gravity instead of paralyzed by fear, but that's kind of a po-tay-to/po-tah-to thing. Look at that poor fool, slumped up against a wall in the fetal position, listening to the ungodly hum of the structure, wondering if there's a way to throw some sort of fabulous, multi-colored bone into the air so we can just cut to the next scene in space already. And if that's not possible, he has to find a way to hop on one of those painted clouds, crouch down for a bit, and run to the warp zone after he drops behind the structure. It's his only chance.
A regular-sized baseball stadium
That's probably the only scale you really need, actually. Here is a baseball stadium. There is a structure in the middle of said baseball stadium. Looks big. Here's the foul pole, for example:
The new Marlins' home-run structure is not as tall as a foul pole. So there's that. But with each piece of photographic evidence that comes in, it's starting to look like the new structure is not small. It could be larger than small. It could be, I dare say, really, really, really big.
There are some Florida lawmakers who want to enforce a decades-old law that would require Marlins Park to become a homeless shelter when it isn't in use. Remember, this thing flashes:
I think I can answer for the homeless now, if possible: No. No thanks. And you can scrap the plans for the muffin-stump concession for the homeless while you're at it.
Mike Stanton is our only hope.
I’m confident he can chip away at it with devastating HR blasts as the season progresses until it’s rubble.
Every6thDay - January 26, 2012
not so sure
looks to be about 500 feet from home plate. Seriously, what are the dimensions of this stadium? Are they trying to allow for football games to be played there while baseball is being played? At least then they might sell some seats
astromets - January 26, 2012
I am
Kind of curious to see this in action, but another part of me looks and thinks “Ark of the Covenant”
Clefo - January 26, 2012
I've
just lost all respect for you, Clefo…
imstillhungry95 - January 26, 2012
The term
“Morbid curiosity” applies
Clefo - January 26, 2012
You
should include that next time
imstillhungry95 - January 26, 2012
...
Grant Brisbee - January 26, 2012
:o
Graham MacAree - January 26, 2012
The only stadium where home plate seats aren't desired
Aidan Gibson - January 26, 2012
is that a giant video board above right-CF?
astromets - January 26, 2012
MOTHER OF GOD
sanford_and_son - January 26, 2012
Do the Marlins realize that the novelty will wear off? (“Novelty” referring to the entirety of their existence at present.)
troymccluresf - January 26, 2012
tell that to the mets'
apple-tophat thing
jordan1999 - January 26, 2012
I’d have to pump it full of ecstasy and coke first.
troymccluresf - January 26, 2012
That thing is gorgeous!
SuperSantana - January 26, 2012
The big apple is awesome
Willgfass - January 26, 2012
at least the fans aren't embarassed by that
in fact, we freaking love it!
astromets - January 26, 2012
The apple is miniscule compared to that giant monstrosity.
Aidan Gibson - January 28, 2012
Bleacher seats
I wonder how much they cost. Do the seats come with free sunscreen?
nKoan - January 26, 2012
comes with free shade
from the ‘Fear and Loathing’ section of the stadium
astromets - January 26, 2012
The Somersaulting Marlin Resurrection at the top is the icing on the cake.
Daver321 - January 26, 2012
idea
Do artist’s renderings of how this Glory would look in other notable ballparks.
WholeCamels - January 26, 2012
San Francisco could have drag queens and giant plastic sourdough bread loaves orbiting the glove in left-center. Then suspend a disco ball from one of those skycam rigs and point the ballpark lights at it every time the Giants score.
troymccluresf - January 26, 2012
And it would rain... men.
J0SER - January 26, 2012
Also, railtracks climbing the bleachers
Over which cable cars run after every home run. Cable cars containing Journey and Faith No More and Jefferson Starship. (It’s not like any of them have anything better to do, right?) They could even sign appropriately-altered versions of their hits ( “Don’t Stop Scoring” and “Hittin’, Pitchin’, Fieldin’” / “We Score a Lot” / White Rabiit: “One pitch makes you smaller and and one pitch makes you fall, and the ones that Timmy pitches you can’t do anything with at all”)
J0SER - January 26, 2012
I get it! That's a gay joke!
5thStarter - January 26, 2012
Hey, I live in the Castro.
troymccluresf - February 2, 2012
There is actually one at Wrigley
It’s just covered in ivy.
US Cellular’s was stolen by a gang last March and is now acting as an advertisement for a Chinese restaurant at 43rd and Halsted.
Oakland traded theirs to the Cardinals for Shelby Miller, Kolten Wang and the rights to star in the film adaptation of “Three Nights in August.”
The one at CitiField rises out of the hat when a Met homers; it did not make an appearance under the original dimensions.
San Diego’s is in the same spot as the Marlins’ but it’s so far out there no one has spotted it yet.
Houston’s is in play. When the Dodgers visited several years ago Manny camped out behind it for several innings, missing a turn at-bat.
PeterStork670 - January 26, 2012
There is one shaped like a bullseye at Target Field
All it is waiting for is for Joe Mauer to hit two home runs in one game at Target Field, with runners on base, and everything is free for a hour the next morning at Target.
Jessy S - January 26, 2012
There was one in Phoenix
Before the stadium designers realized their mistake and built a giant hot tub to drown the monstrosity.
Zavada's Moustache - January 26, 2012
There was one in Colorado
But its gravity mixed with the thin air would pull every fly ball towards it, so it got moved to Vail as a Snowboarder’s attraction.
Thnikkaman - January 27, 2012
This post was hilarious.
aronofsky40 - January 26, 2012
Tackiness...
…is the new market ineffeciency?
Bryan Grosnick - January 26, 2012
what's the over-under....
…on some lefty-heavy team lodging a complaint that this brobdingangian monstrosity is a distraction for hitters?
jdscott - January 26, 2012
+1 for "Brobdingnagian"
5thStarter - January 26, 2012
I totally and completely love it!
Justin Bopp - January 26, 2012
I think I figured out what that thing is
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tUcOaGawIW0
BullManUGA - January 26, 2012
They have to remember to thank the taxpayers and tourists of Miami-Dade County for that thing.
doggz - January 26, 2012
Wait... where have I seen this before?
(h/t senorgif.com)
Every6thDay - January 26, 2012
This is the best thing evar!
I can’t wait for opening day when the Ghostbusters fight ZOG and totally destroy the stadium.
TonyFernandezSavedMyLife - January 26, 2012
Whoever made this
should be in the internet hall of fame.
AussieCub - January 26, 2012
Anaheim Rockpile
seems so quaint and 19th century now.
Rev Halofan - January 26, 2012
Even the Diamondbacks Hot Tub of Infectious Diseases
is appropriate and attractive in comparison
J0SER - January 26, 2012
Well,
I wouldn’t go that far…
Zavada's Moustache - January 26, 2012
At Least
Joe Buck got dissed by Justin Timberlake at the Hot Tub during the All-Star game.
Jessy S - January 26, 2012
Hey
that thing is awesome if avoided like the plague
imstillhungry95 - January 30, 2012
Well...
…if this doesn’t attract extraterrestrials, then nothing will.
Skaldheim - January 26, 2012
Have you been to Miami?
They’re already there.
J0SER - January 26, 2012
I've linked to this before, but...
I spent waaay to much time making it, so here I go again.
http://aquietmoment.cheezburger.com/5456997888
Explains it all.
coolhead2010 - January 26, 2012
Solid Seinfeld joke thrown in at the end, Grant
Erik Hahmann - January 26, 2012
One word to describe the Marlins...
FABULOUS! – Who ever was in charge of Unis and park should be exiled from professional sports.
weslie.james - January 26, 2012
That monstrosity is a crime against humanity
Backin'the'Backs - January 26, 2012
Scaling the picture
if the wall is 10’ and the back arch is 75’ tall.
Matt Garrioch - January 26, 2012
That...
…is Miami. More than makes up for the pretentiously dreadful new unis.
schpydah - January 26, 2012
Admit it, Grant, you just saw the "Top of the Muffin to You!" episode of Seinfeld.
5thStarter - January 26, 2012
I didn't!
It’s been at least a year, maybe two. But when you’re trying to give the homeless something that only seems nice on the surface, there’s only one cultural touchstone possible …
Grant Brisbee - January 26, 2012
HA!
That episode JUST played the other night. I was sure that was the reason.
Instead, it’s just because you’re awesome.
5thStarter - January 26, 2012
Selling Muffin Tops only
Only the Twisted minds at Seinfeld could think of that plot.
Jessy S - January 26, 2012
Exactly!
I was thinking the other day about how all of the characters on that show are despicable on some level, yet I love them just the same. That’s the sign of some good writing.
5thStarter - January 26, 2012
True
I also like how baseball was woven into their stories, even with George getting a job with the Yankees.
Jessy S - January 26, 2012
realy
what were they thinking with this thing? i mean, it glows! are they trying to keep people away from the stadium?
rexthejet - January 26, 2012
This is South Florida folks. We have neon beaches, throw rats on ice, drink champagne when an undefeated NFL team loses, take our talents to South Beach, and now the Fish will enter the fray of craziness. And I will miss Sun Life Stadium in a way much like the author will miss seeing baseball at Candlestick Park. I’ll miss the 67,000+ at playoff games, the empty orange seats during the season, and that wonderful tarp.
National Mario - January 26, 2012
Great good GOD.
My original estimate to friends from the first post was MAYBE fifty feet tall, and I thought I might have been overestimating it a tad. Nope. Fifty feet isn’t grandiose enough for this thing! Plus the marlins and seagulls and what-all, and the flashing lights, and the colors… my brain hurts. Again. That thing is going to scare the CRAP out of someone the first time it pops up.
On the plus side, the expressions of baffled horror whenever I show people the GIF are some of my favorite things about this offseason.
KelseyC - January 26, 2012
Yes we get it
The Marlins have a really shitty monument going up in center field. How often must you guys remind us this?
ryanfea - January 26, 2012
Suppose I shouldn't have titled it "Breaking Down Roy Halladay Using PitchF/X"
’Cause you were probably all pissed when you opened it up and it was all “Surprise! Marlins home-run feature!”
Grant Brisbee - January 26, 2012
lol
Undocorkscrew - January 26, 2012
I shouldn't be surprised
You guys at Baseball Nation spent the entire offseason giving the Marlins heck. Thanks for the entertainment you provided us these past few months. Hopefully I’ll be watching on opening night on ESPN, some Marlin will hit a grand slam, and cause Lebron to go blind. Seriously, Lebron better not go blind because, who would we hate then? But then I suppose the baseball version of that answer will come in the press conference where the Tigers officially announce Prince Fielder.
Jessy S - January 26, 2012
We all need hobbies…
Plus, you are offending the smallest population possible with Marlins jokes.
GumpBrave - January 26, 2012
WHAT IF I CAME HERE FOR NEWS?
troymccluresf - February 2, 2012
I want to meet the person who signed off on that monstrosity.
RexTookMyStash - January 26, 2012
and find out how drunk they were
papality - January 27, 2012
acid
they were dropping acid and enjoyed the visuals when they saw it. A drunk person would’ve thrown up from all the lights and moving pieces
astromets - January 27, 2012
They came up with that Idea
While tripping on acid at the freemont street experience in Vegas.
Thnikkaman - January 27, 2012
Personally
I am going to love hearing what visiting announcers have to say about it. As a Mets fan I think Keith Hernandez will have some wonderful things to say about it. The Dodgers need to talk Vin Scully into traveling to Florida with them so we can get his take on this eyesore.
ackbar7 - January 26, 2012
Sweet mother of Jehosephat,
you guys are funny.
bucdaddy - January 27, 2012
I really only see
Mike Stanton as the only one to hit a home run to reach the top of that, well, whatever it is in left center field.
ChopMaster - January 27, 2012
Ike Davis or Lucas Duda will be the first
mark it down
astromets - January 28, 2012
People are talking about home runs off of this thing
but has there been a ruling about whether or not it is in play?
Oh, yeah, I guess it wouldn’t be a “home run monument.” A fella can dream.
Matt Klaassen - January 27, 2012
GO Marlins!!!
…but down with the monument! I was at the new ballpark and specifically went up to the frame of that thing, it towered over me. $2 million it cost. They shouldve given that money to me for being a loyal fan since day 1.
PaulXL7 - January 27, 2012
Steve?
Stephen Schmidt - January 27, 2012
Ha!
I hadn’t read that before.
troymccluresf - February 2, 2012
No...
Paul. Steve skipped town a few years ago. I got a few people with me now. Haven’t you been reading all the Marlins articles on here? WE FAMOUS NOW!
PaulXL7 - January 27, 2012
Holy Shit! indeeed
another simpsons avatar - January 30, 2012
The stadium is visible from Jackson Memorial Hospital.
Unfortunately the tax payers of Miami through their representatives decided to pay about a billion dollars to keep the Marlins in Miami, while they are defunding their major 1600 bed County Hospital. The poor and homeless can forget about healthcare, they can hangout and watch this monolith/monstrosity of a stadium go up as their health care vanishes. The hospital has already laid off over 3000 healthcare workers, while the billionaire owners enjoy their tax subsidized stadium. The large misplaced public support of this stadium has allowed their owners to try once again to spend themselves into a playoff position. The gladiators will fight while Miami burns! Or perhaps their major burn unit will be in jeopardy.
bradleybear - February 7, 2012
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